[I got thrown for a minute. The format of the template for posting has changed. I was surprised.]
Hello, I'm unemployed as of yesterday morning. I'm very concerned about cash flow, i.e. paying my bills, but otherwise feeling okay. I think it's because I have been so stressed out at work, worrying about losing my job, that actually losing it is not causing me that much more stress.
As usual when this happens, I am reevaluating what I want to do next, whether I want to keep working as a nurse or find some other way to make money, or whether it's possible to do something I might actually find more self-actualizing, fulfilling, or find or create a situation where I was contributing to improving life, not just plugging leaks. A number of options come to mind, but figuring out how to draw income from them, for me, is always the catch.
The sun is shining on my day off! For now, in a way, they're all days off. In the Sunday paper from last week I found a local hike this morning at Swan Creek that I plan to participate in, as I have never been there. I always drive past on my way to somewhere else. Maybe for a few days I can stop doing that: driving past. Maybe I can take time to explore the things I want to, maybe not. From where I sit, the world seems full of people whose lives work the way they want. I wish them well. Most of the time I pour huge amounts of energy into just making it, mostly, and the rest of life passes me by. Most of the time I wait to die. Sorry, but it's true.
During my suspension from work for two days I reread journalist Roxana Saberi's book about her experiences in Evin prison in Iran on suspicion of spying, in 2009. I appreciate her courage more and more. Whenever I read a book about someone being victimized, I empathize deeply. Somehow I relate the loss of my job to either going into prison, or getting out, I'm not sure which. Work at "Mountain View" was a prison, no doubt. But being out of work is another type of prison. I'm still in debt from the last time I was out of work. The worst prison, for me, is living in a world where the bottom line is either having the cash you need to make it, or not. And where it's necessary to play a confidence game to earn that cash. I keep running out of confidence.
I had a wonderful phone call from my sister yesterday evening, speaking on a deeper level than we usually get to do. Everyone's encouragement helps me. One thing I became clearer about from our talk was that whenever I get ideas for things I could do [to earn money] that I might actually enjoy doing, I find all the faults with the idea for why it won't work, and cut it [the idea] off at the knees.
My mind is spinning in circles, but I'm spending way less time in self-recrimination this time. And that is an encouraging thought.
Thanks, everyone, for all the encouragement, listening, positive thoughts and prayers!
Till next time.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Inspirations: or, My Latest Pilaf
I went to Feast tonight, as I have the evening off. So many evenings I work, that having a day off on the same day as the Feast, which comes every 19 days [Feast, not day off], is rare. I become spiritually "hungry". [When I first heard of Feast, I envisioned a roasting pig, but I discovered that it is a spiritual, not a material, term.] Anyway, it is a real pleasure to gather with the friends, read prayers and sing and consult and socialize, and I became very inspired.
The subject of coconut milk came up, which I regard scientifically as sort of a heart attack in a can; however, I was telling about how I used to use it when I made pilaf. As I drove home, even though it is a little late for cooking, I decided to make some. This version differs from years ago when I couldn't have imagined leaving out the meat [usually chicken or beef] or using brown instead of white rice.
What I like about my pilaf is the blend of creaminess from the coconut milk, sweetness from the raisins, and spiciness from the cayenne, tabasco and ginger root.
Pilaf With Beans
1 cup brown rice, rinsed and drained [Basmati or other fragrant rice preferred.]
1 can [5 + ounces] coconut milk [you could use less; I used to use about an ounce and used to freeze 1/4 cup servings of coconut milk in separate snack-sized ziploc bags so I wasn't using so much]
olive oil, cumin, coriander, basil, oregano, dill, sea salt, ground cayenne pepper
a few shakes green Tabasco sauce; a drop of liquid smoke flavoring
grate with small palm-sized grater: 1 + cloves garlic*, a cubic inch or so ginger root, same with Turmeric root [which I have only ever found at Marlene's Deli in Tacoma]
2 carrots sliced thinly; 2 stalks celery, sliced; 1/2 onion diced; entire red bell pepper, diced
1 can red beans, drained [we now save the bean "juice" in a jar in the fridge as soup stock. Pearl thought of that.]
6 or 7 whole sundried tomatoes, cut up with scissors
about 1/2 cup raisins
2 cups water
*I never use a garlic mincer any more. I either grate it, or just slice it up as the vegetable that it is.
Place oil in wok, add seasonings and saute on high a couple minutes while you rinse the rice, then add rice. Saute the rice in the oil and seasonings a minute or two, then stir in the raisins and vegetables and saute. By this time it's necessary to turn the heat down to medium. Meanwhile grate in the garlic, ginger and turmeric. Add water and coconut milk, beans, sundried tomatoes, tabasco and liquid smoke [and anything else I may have left out.] Bring to a boil, lower heat to medium, and cook covered for about 45 minutes until liquid is absorbed.
The subject of coconut milk came up, which I regard scientifically as sort of a heart attack in a can; however, I was telling about how I used to use it when I made pilaf. As I drove home, even though it is a little late for cooking, I decided to make some. This version differs from years ago when I couldn't have imagined leaving out the meat [usually chicken or beef] or using brown instead of white rice.
What I like about my pilaf is the blend of creaminess from the coconut milk, sweetness from the raisins, and spiciness from the cayenne, tabasco and ginger root.
Pilaf With Beans
1 cup brown rice, rinsed and drained [Basmati or other fragrant rice preferred.]
1 can [5 + ounces] coconut milk [you could use less; I used to use about an ounce and used to freeze 1/4 cup servings of coconut milk in separate snack-sized ziploc bags so I wasn't using so much]
olive oil, cumin, coriander, basil, oregano, dill, sea salt, ground cayenne pepper
a few shakes green Tabasco sauce; a drop of liquid smoke flavoring
grate with small palm-sized grater: 1 + cloves garlic*, a cubic inch or so ginger root, same with Turmeric root [which I have only ever found at Marlene's Deli in Tacoma]
2 carrots sliced thinly; 2 stalks celery, sliced; 1/2 onion diced; entire red bell pepper, diced
1 can red beans, drained [we now save the bean "juice" in a jar in the fridge as soup stock. Pearl thought of that.]
6 or 7 whole sundried tomatoes, cut up with scissors
about 1/2 cup raisins
2 cups water
*I never use a garlic mincer any more. I either grate it, or just slice it up as the vegetable that it is.
Place oil in wok, add seasonings and saute on high a couple minutes while you rinse the rice, then add rice. Saute the rice in the oil and seasonings a minute or two, then stir in the raisins and vegetables and saute. By this time it's necessary to turn the heat down to medium. Meanwhile grate in the garlic, ginger and turmeric. Add water and coconut milk, beans, sundried tomatoes, tabasco and liquid smoke [and anything else I may have left out.] Bring to a boil, lower heat to medium, and cook covered for about 45 minutes until liquid is absorbed.
Severing Attachment to the World
I sharpened my knives today.
For the last several years I've been using the knife set Pearl received for her wedding. Even past the end of her marriage, and after moving out of the house we all shared, I ended up with this knife set, which is complete, a pretty good set, and I'm used to it. Pearl has been again sharing my current townhouse, and is getting ready to move out, and I figure the knives are hers and I should return them to her when she moves.
When Pearl first moved in I had been living alone for the last year, and I was wondering how I would deal with sharing my house. The thing about independence is having everything your own way, with your own routines and so forth. The down side, which I was accustomed to, is loneliness. However, I've really been in love with my daughter since she was born, and she has matured a lot lately, and we take a lot of joy in spending time together. Now I'm having anticipatory grieving, as she will be moving out next week. I will miss her cheerful voice, her smile, her stealth hugs, and sense of humor. I delayed packing up the set of knives because I was used to them--attached to them--and they came to symbolize giving up my living arrangement with Pearl.
Today it felt like the right time, so I made sure her knives were all together, none dirty or left behind in the dishwasher, and packed them up. I gathered together my knives, which were scattered around the kitchen and tucked away in drawers. I have, as it turned out, an eclectic collection of at least four French knives, two serrated bread knives, two smaller serrated knives, and two paring knives, as well as an odd-sized small French knife and a tiny boning knife. One or two were from my previous marriage, some I had bought retail, and some I had found second hand. Fortunately I had a new pair of kitchen shears, from the time I left the scissors from Pearl's set in the garage and couldn't find them for weeks.
They were mostly pretty dull, as I found out. I got out my electric knife sharpener which I have never used. Actually, I had given the sharpener to Pearl and Charles for one of their anniversaries, and I also ended up with it. So I gathered knives, tomatoes, and read the directions.
I developed a system. For each knife I made a preliminary attempt at slicing a tomato, sharpened the knife, and tested the results. I have accidentally sliced my fingers so many times in the last few years that I had no intention of testing the blades with my fingers. It was very gratifying to see the improvements after sharpening. Afterwards we ate tomato sandwiches: a split whole wheat English muffin, toasted, with vegenaise and slices of tomato. Very refreshing.
Two of them were Cutco knives which I had purchased from my previous husband when he was a student trying out the "job" of selling knives to relatives and friends. Although they lack elegance and style, they keep their edge very well, and did not need much sharpening. As for the others, apparently keeping the knives on a magnetic strip as I did in the past, dulls the knives. Anyway, I picked out two of my second-hand knife blocks, washed them well, and set out the best knives in those. The rest I placed in a drawer lined with a towel.
And that has to be the most boring blog post I have ever written.
Thank you.
For the last several years I've been using the knife set Pearl received for her wedding. Even past the end of her marriage, and after moving out of the house we all shared, I ended up with this knife set, which is complete, a pretty good set, and I'm used to it. Pearl has been again sharing my current townhouse, and is getting ready to move out, and I figure the knives are hers and I should return them to her when she moves.
When Pearl first moved in I had been living alone for the last year, and I was wondering how I would deal with sharing my house. The thing about independence is having everything your own way, with your own routines and so forth. The down side, which I was accustomed to, is loneliness. However, I've really been in love with my daughter since she was born, and she has matured a lot lately, and we take a lot of joy in spending time together. Now I'm having anticipatory grieving, as she will be moving out next week. I will miss her cheerful voice, her smile, her stealth hugs, and sense of humor. I delayed packing up the set of knives because I was used to them--attached to them--and they came to symbolize giving up my living arrangement with Pearl.
Today it felt like the right time, so I made sure her knives were all together, none dirty or left behind in the dishwasher, and packed them up. I gathered together my knives, which were scattered around the kitchen and tucked away in drawers. I have, as it turned out, an eclectic collection of at least four French knives, two serrated bread knives, two smaller serrated knives, and two paring knives, as well as an odd-sized small French knife and a tiny boning knife. One or two were from my previous marriage, some I had bought retail, and some I had found second hand. Fortunately I had a new pair of kitchen shears, from the time I left the scissors from Pearl's set in the garage and couldn't find them for weeks.
They were mostly pretty dull, as I found out. I got out my electric knife sharpener which I have never used. Actually, I had given the sharpener to Pearl and Charles for one of their anniversaries, and I also ended up with it. So I gathered knives, tomatoes, and read the directions.
I developed a system. For each knife I made a preliminary attempt at slicing a tomato, sharpened the knife, and tested the results. I have accidentally sliced my fingers so many times in the last few years that I had no intention of testing the blades with my fingers. It was very gratifying to see the improvements after sharpening. Afterwards we ate tomato sandwiches: a split whole wheat English muffin, toasted, with vegenaise and slices of tomato. Very refreshing.
Two of them were Cutco knives which I had purchased from my previous husband when he was a student trying out the "job" of selling knives to relatives and friends. Although they lack elegance and style, they keep their edge very well, and did not need much sharpening. As for the others, apparently keeping the knives on a magnetic strip as I did in the past, dulls the knives. Anyway, I picked out two of my second-hand knife blocks, washed them well, and set out the best knives in those. The rest I placed in a drawer lined with a towel.
And that has to be the most boring blog post I have ever written.
Thank you.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Turtles With External Ears
A good day off. Stayed up late after work, still got up in time to go to a Baha'i Cluster 19 Reflection Meeting at Clover Park, which was all kinds of fun, then ate lunch somewhere en route and stopped by my friend Loyd's to pick up a Gem Faire weekend pass he had for me. Then I went to the Gem Faire at the Tacoma Dome Exhibition Hall.
If you've never been to the Gem Faire, it's a feast of color for the eyes, featuring strings of beads of stone or pearls or filigree metal, fossils, amber, sparkly gems, beads in the shapes of animals, and a multitude of trinkets. It can be quite a sensory overload. It stimulates my creativity, even more than a trip to the fabric store. In the last few years, with the depression, crowds have thinned, there are fewer vendors, and prices have dropped. Almost everything is 20% to 50% off.
I decided to buy a small gift for myself and looked at several rings the right size for my pinkie [the one that doesn't already have a Baha'i ring on it] and couldn't decide between silver rings with black onyx, green onyx, lapis lazuli, or a deep purple amethyst. Amethyst is my birthstone but usually it's a washed out purple that I don't care for. Deep purple is unusual.
I had the proprietor hold aside several rings while I circulated and percolated some more, and let my conscious and subconscious mind think about the choices. I became disoriented as to which shop I had been at before. Finally relocated "my" folks and selected a ring with a coral stone. The orangey-red or reddish orange [depending on the light] is the right color to cheer me up.
I also found some gorgeous jasper for a new set of prayer beads, to coordinate with smaller carnelian beads for in-between. It's easier to touch an individual bead if there is a space in between the major beads. I also found a large hunk of rock with a polished giant ammonite to set on a bookshelf. Can't get enough of ammonites: the wonderful spiral, the ancient creature a proof that religious truth is relative, exhibiting the principle of the harmony of science and religion.
Came out of the Exhibition Hall into a blinding state of affairs--actual sunlight. So I took a walk around DeCoursey Park in the sunshine. I decided to use the green glass pendant with the Greatest Name, which Enayat gave me on my birthday on Pilgrimage in Haifa, as a centerpiece for the prayer beads. It is a wonderful memento of Pilgrimage.
So now I have a beading project to do, on top of the things I already needed to do: shop for groceries, pay bills online, etc etc etc. Plus finish the scrapbook from Pilgrimage which I started with Pearl on the dining room table, and which is not a one-day project, and is now taking up the dining table.
Oh, yes. Turtles with ears? They have some carved from jade or bone or whatever at the Gem Faire.
If you've never been to the Gem Faire, it's a feast of color for the eyes, featuring strings of beads of stone or pearls or filigree metal, fossils, amber, sparkly gems, beads in the shapes of animals, and a multitude of trinkets. It can be quite a sensory overload. It stimulates my creativity, even more than a trip to the fabric store. In the last few years, with the depression, crowds have thinned, there are fewer vendors, and prices have dropped. Almost everything is 20% to 50% off.
I decided to buy a small gift for myself and looked at several rings the right size for my pinkie [the one that doesn't already have a Baha'i ring on it] and couldn't decide between silver rings with black onyx, green onyx, lapis lazuli, or a deep purple amethyst. Amethyst is my birthstone but usually it's a washed out purple that I don't care for. Deep purple is unusual.
I had the proprietor hold aside several rings while I circulated and percolated some more, and let my conscious and subconscious mind think about the choices. I became disoriented as to which shop I had been at before. Finally relocated "my" folks and selected a ring with a coral stone. The orangey-red or reddish orange [depending on the light] is the right color to cheer me up.
I also found some gorgeous jasper for a new set of prayer beads, to coordinate with smaller carnelian beads for in-between. It's easier to touch an individual bead if there is a space in between the major beads. I also found a large hunk of rock with a polished giant ammonite to set on a bookshelf. Can't get enough of ammonites: the wonderful spiral, the ancient creature a proof that religious truth is relative, exhibiting the principle of the harmony of science and religion.
Came out of the Exhibition Hall into a blinding state of affairs--actual sunlight. So I took a walk around DeCoursey Park in the sunshine. I decided to use the green glass pendant with the Greatest Name, which Enayat gave me on my birthday on Pilgrimage in Haifa, as a centerpiece for the prayer beads. It is a wonderful memento of Pilgrimage.
So now I have a beading project to do, on top of the things I already needed to do: shop for groceries, pay bills online, etc etc etc. Plus finish the scrapbook from Pilgrimage which I started with Pearl on the dining room table, and which is not a one-day project, and is now taking up the dining table.
Oh, yes. Turtles with ears? They have some carved from jade or bone or whatever at the Gem Faire.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Kitchen Sink Cookies--Winnifred Elwood
My mother kept 5 kids in cookies by making monster batches of Kitchen Sink Cookies [everything goes in there but the] which disappeared pretty quickly. They are my favorite cookies in the world. For 1960's standards, these are pretty nutritious and healthy. I left out the eggs. With the eggs, they're smoother; without the eggs, a rougher texture, but still just as soft and bouncy. [The recipe will be printed with Mom's editorial comments; my editorial comments I will put in italics.]
As Mom wrote on the recipe card, "This makes a heap, you may want to scale down."
Kitchen Sink Cookies
Dry Ingredients:
5 cups flour [whole wheat preferred] + 1 cup later on
2 teaspoons baking powder*
4 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons salt
4 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons cloves
2 teaspoons nutmeg
2 cups raisins
4 cups rolled oats
1 cup dry milk solids [I left this out as well]
walnuts if you like [I used chopped pecans and chopped hazelnuts]
Wet Ingredients:
2 cups "fat" [butter, oil, Crisco or chicken fat . . . oogh!] [I used corn oil]
3 cups sugar, may also use brown [I used 1 1/2 cups, plenty sweet enough]
1 cup honey + molasses together [I used 1/2 molasses, 1/2 agave syrup]
4 eggs [I omitted]
4 cups applesauce
4 cups finely shredded carrots**
Mix dry ingredients. Mix wet ingredients. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix well. Add 1 cup more flour to make a soft "drop" dough. Chill, drop on greased cookie sheet. Bake about 10 minutes at 375 degrees or till lightly browned and springy on top when touched. Remove at once from pan to rack and cool thoroughly. Store airtight. Adding a cut apple to the container helps keep them moist.
Honey, applesauce and carrots draw moisture and help keep them fresh. Honey helps them scorch if you don't watch it.
*Mom underlined the "powder" and the "soda". I guess I became confused at one time, because they both start with "baking."
**Grating carrots is such a chore I decided to find the grater component for my food processor, which worked "grate". Then when I was picking it up later it sliced my thumb. Argh!
As Mom wrote on the recipe card, "This makes a heap, you may want to scale down."
Kitchen Sink Cookies
Dry Ingredients:
5 cups flour [whole wheat preferred] + 1 cup later on
2 teaspoons baking powder*
4 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons salt
4 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons cloves
2 teaspoons nutmeg
2 cups raisins
4 cups rolled oats
1 cup dry milk solids [I left this out as well]
walnuts if you like [I used chopped pecans and chopped hazelnuts]
Wet Ingredients:
2 cups "fat" [butter, oil, Crisco or chicken fat . . . oogh!] [I used corn oil]
3 cups sugar, may also use brown [I used 1 1/2 cups, plenty sweet enough]
1 cup honey + molasses together [I used 1/2 molasses, 1/2 agave syrup]
4 eggs [I omitted]
4 cups applesauce
4 cups finely shredded carrots**
Mix dry ingredients. Mix wet ingredients. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix well. Add 1 cup more flour to make a soft "drop" dough. Chill, drop on greased cookie sheet. Bake about 10 minutes at 375 degrees or till lightly browned and springy on top when touched. Remove at once from pan to rack and cool thoroughly. Store airtight. Adding a cut apple to the container helps keep them moist.
Honey, applesauce and carrots draw moisture and help keep them fresh. Honey helps them scorch if you don't watch it.
*Mom underlined the "powder" and the "soda". I guess I became confused at one time, because they both start with "baking."
**Grating carrots is such a chore I decided to find the grater component for my food processor, which worked "grate". Then when I was picking it up later it sliced my thumb. Argh!
Fun in the Family
Yesterday I had plans to visit one of my friends and his family, bring ingredients for a vegan dinner [I haven't been able to stay consistent with a plant-based diet, but I practice it most of the time], cook and watch the film "Forks Over Knives" and discuss it. Those plans never materialized; however, I had a great time yesterday anyway.
My daughter and her boyfriend showed up yesterday to collect some waste wood from behind the townhouses, and stayed for the day. Since my daughter has a cold, we didn't go on expeditions. We discovered a muskrat in the drainage ditch, watched the movie, made Kitchen Sink Cookies, made some wonderful Daal Soup, and played a virgin game of Lord of the Rings. [Virgin, i.e. never before out of the box.] We got through 2 and 1/2 scenarios out of four before Sauron got us. Which is not bad for deciphering some very complex rules as we played.
The great thing about this LOTR game was the built-in absence of competition among the players. We played against the game, against chance, not against each other. Next time we'll understand even better how to collaborate together to play our strengths and overcome our weaknesses.
Must go. More daal soup is cooking.
My daughter and her boyfriend showed up yesterday to collect some waste wood from behind the townhouses, and stayed for the day. Since my daughter has a cold, we didn't go on expeditions. We discovered a muskrat in the drainage ditch, watched the movie, made Kitchen Sink Cookies, made some wonderful Daal Soup, and played a virgin game of Lord of the Rings. [Virgin, i.e. never before out of the box.] We got through 2 and 1/2 scenarios out of four before Sauron got us. Which is not bad for deciphering some very complex rules as we played.
The great thing about this LOTR game was the built-in absence of competition among the players. We played against the game, against chance, not against each other. Next time we'll understand even better how to collaborate together to play our strengths and overcome our weaknesses.
Must go. More daal soup is cooking.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The Self and Others
Recently I've been experiencing a lot of fear, emotional pain and depression, sometimes feeling as if I were being consumed by self-loathing. Whenever there is self-loathing, self-hate, self-love or whatever, it seems that the most important word is "self." Something the Baha'i Writings describes as "the fire of self." I've been in a tug of war with myself on a lot of issues. I felt trapped. Last night I finally decided to stipulate that everything negative I had thought, observed, or been told about myself [negative self-talk and criticism and the like] might possibly be true.
Immediately I had a sense of relief, as if I had surrendered, let go of the rope, and the tug of war was over. Sort of an acceptance of where and how I am.
Tonight, for the first time since initially forming our Puyallup Baha'i group, we actually met together for our own Feast. It was lovely. I found we could each talk with complete honesty about what struggles we have been going through, our own philosophies, strengths and limitations regarding teaching the Faith, and we worked to come up with a general plan for how we can grow from a group to an Assembly of 9 people.
We decided to meet together more often, not necessarily for a Feast or Holy Day, but just to meet; to pray more; to teach the Baha'i Faith in Puyallup in ways that work for us, our experiences, and the ways we are "wired", and not to experience or apply any pressure in our teaching work. And to trust that sooner or later, enough other Baha'is will gather in Puyallup that the energy and ability to grow faster will be there.
I left very happy, and looking forward to Baha'i New Year.
Immediately I had a sense of relief, as if I had surrendered, let go of the rope, and the tug of war was over. Sort of an acceptance of where and how I am.
Tonight, for the first time since initially forming our Puyallup Baha'i group, we actually met together for our own Feast. It was lovely. I found we could each talk with complete honesty about what struggles we have been going through, our own philosophies, strengths and limitations regarding teaching the Faith, and we worked to come up with a general plan for how we can grow from a group to an Assembly of 9 people.
We decided to meet together more often, not necessarily for a Feast or Holy Day, but just to meet; to pray more; to teach the Baha'i Faith in Puyallup in ways that work for us, our experiences, and the ways we are "wired", and not to experience or apply any pressure in our teaching work. And to trust that sooner or later, enough other Baha'is will gather in Puyallup that the energy and ability to grow faster will be there.
I left very happy, and looking forward to Baha'i New Year.
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