[I got thrown for a minute. The format of the template for posting has changed. I was surprised.]
Hello, I'm unemployed as of yesterday morning. I'm very concerned about cash flow, i.e. paying my bills, but otherwise feeling okay. I think it's because I have been so stressed out at work, worrying about losing my job, that actually losing it is not causing me that much more stress.
As usual when this happens, I am reevaluating what I want to do next, whether I want to keep working as a nurse or find some other way to make money, or whether it's possible to do something I might actually find more self-actualizing, fulfilling, or find or create a situation where I was contributing to improving life, not just plugging leaks. A number of options come to mind, but figuring out how to draw income from them, for me, is always the catch.
The sun is shining on my day off! For now, in a way, they're all days off. In the Sunday paper from last week I found a local hike this morning at Swan Creek that I plan to participate in, as I have never been there. I always drive past on my way to somewhere else. Maybe for a few days I can stop doing that: driving past. Maybe I can take time to explore the things I want to, maybe not. From where I sit, the world seems full of people whose lives work the way they want. I wish them well. Most of the time I pour huge amounts of energy into just making it, mostly, and the rest of life passes me by. Most of the time I wait to die. Sorry, but it's true.
During my suspension from work for two days I reread journalist Roxana Saberi's book about her experiences in Evin prison in Iran on suspicion of spying, in 2009. I appreciate her courage more and more. Whenever I read a book about someone being victimized, I empathize deeply. Somehow I relate the loss of my job to either going into prison, or getting out, I'm not sure which. Work at "Mountain View" was a prison, no doubt. But being out of work is another type of prison. I'm still in debt from the last time I was out of work. The worst prison, for me, is living in a world where the bottom line is either having the cash you need to make it, or not. And where it's necessary to play a confidence game to earn that cash. I keep running out of confidence.
I had a wonderful phone call from my sister yesterday evening, speaking on a deeper level than we usually get to do. Everyone's encouragement helps me. One thing I became clearer about from our talk was that whenever I get ideas for things I could do [to earn money] that I might actually enjoy doing, I find all the faults with the idea for why it won't work, and cut it [the idea] off at the knees.
My mind is spinning in circles, but I'm spending way less time in self-recrimination this time. And that is an encouraging thought.
Thanks, everyone, for all the encouragement, listening, positive thoughts and prayers!
Till next time.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Inspirations: or, My Latest Pilaf
I went to Feast tonight, as I have the evening off. So many evenings I work, that having a day off on the same day as the Feast, which comes every 19 days [Feast, not day off], is rare. I become spiritually "hungry". [When I first heard of Feast, I envisioned a roasting pig, but I discovered that it is a spiritual, not a material, term.] Anyway, it is a real pleasure to gather with the friends, read prayers and sing and consult and socialize, and I became very inspired.
The subject of coconut milk came up, which I regard scientifically as sort of a heart attack in a can; however, I was telling about how I used to use it when I made pilaf. As I drove home, even though it is a little late for cooking, I decided to make some. This version differs from years ago when I couldn't have imagined leaving out the meat [usually chicken or beef] or using brown instead of white rice.
What I like about my pilaf is the blend of creaminess from the coconut milk, sweetness from the raisins, and spiciness from the cayenne, tabasco and ginger root.
Pilaf With Beans
1 cup brown rice, rinsed and drained [Basmati or other fragrant rice preferred.]
1 can [5 + ounces] coconut milk [you could use less; I used to use about an ounce and used to freeze 1/4 cup servings of coconut milk in separate snack-sized ziploc bags so I wasn't using so much]
olive oil, cumin, coriander, basil, oregano, dill, sea salt, ground cayenne pepper
a few shakes green Tabasco sauce; a drop of liquid smoke flavoring
grate with small palm-sized grater: 1 + cloves garlic*, a cubic inch or so ginger root, same with Turmeric root [which I have only ever found at Marlene's Deli in Tacoma]
2 carrots sliced thinly; 2 stalks celery, sliced; 1/2 onion diced; entire red bell pepper, diced
1 can red beans, drained [we now save the bean "juice" in a jar in the fridge as soup stock. Pearl thought of that.]
6 or 7 whole sundried tomatoes, cut up with scissors
about 1/2 cup raisins
2 cups water
*I never use a garlic mincer any more. I either grate it, or just slice it up as the vegetable that it is.
Place oil in wok, add seasonings and saute on high a couple minutes while you rinse the rice, then add rice. Saute the rice in the oil and seasonings a minute or two, then stir in the raisins and vegetables and saute. By this time it's necessary to turn the heat down to medium. Meanwhile grate in the garlic, ginger and turmeric. Add water and coconut milk, beans, sundried tomatoes, tabasco and liquid smoke [and anything else I may have left out.] Bring to a boil, lower heat to medium, and cook covered for about 45 minutes until liquid is absorbed.
The subject of coconut milk came up, which I regard scientifically as sort of a heart attack in a can; however, I was telling about how I used to use it when I made pilaf. As I drove home, even though it is a little late for cooking, I decided to make some. This version differs from years ago when I couldn't have imagined leaving out the meat [usually chicken or beef] or using brown instead of white rice.
What I like about my pilaf is the blend of creaminess from the coconut milk, sweetness from the raisins, and spiciness from the cayenne, tabasco and ginger root.
Pilaf With Beans
1 cup brown rice, rinsed and drained [Basmati or other fragrant rice preferred.]
1 can [5 + ounces] coconut milk [you could use less; I used to use about an ounce and used to freeze 1/4 cup servings of coconut milk in separate snack-sized ziploc bags so I wasn't using so much]
olive oil, cumin, coriander, basil, oregano, dill, sea salt, ground cayenne pepper
a few shakes green Tabasco sauce; a drop of liquid smoke flavoring
grate with small palm-sized grater: 1 + cloves garlic*, a cubic inch or so ginger root, same with Turmeric root [which I have only ever found at Marlene's Deli in Tacoma]
2 carrots sliced thinly; 2 stalks celery, sliced; 1/2 onion diced; entire red bell pepper, diced
1 can red beans, drained [we now save the bean "juice" in a jar in the fridge as soup stock. Pearl thought of that.]
6 or 7 whole sundried tomatoes, cut up with scissors
about 1/2 cup raisins
2 cups water
*I never use a garlic mincer any more. I either grate it, or just slice it up as the vegetable that it is.
Place oil in wok, add seasonings and saute on high a couple minutes while you rinse the rice, then add rice. Saute the rice in the oil and seasonings a minute or two, then stir in the raisins and vegetables and saute. By this time it's necessary to turn the heat down to medium. Meanwhile grate in the garlic, ginger and turmeric. Add water and coconut milk, beans, sundried tomatoes, tabasco and liquid smoke [and anything else I may have left out.] Bring to a boil, lower heat to medium, and cook covered for about 45 minutes until liquid is absorbed.
Severing Attachment to the World
I sharpened my knives today.
For the last several years I've been using the knife set Pearl received for her wedding. Even past the end of her marriage, and after moving out of the house we all shared, I ended up with this knife set, which is complete, a pretty good set, and I'm used to it. Pearl has been again sharing my current townhouse, and is getting ready to move out, and I figure the knives are hers and I should return them to her when she moves.
When Pearl first moved in I had been living alone for the last year, and I was wondering how I would deal with sharing my house. The thing about independence is having everything your own way, with your own routines and so forth. The down side, which I was accustomed to, is loneliness. However, I've really been in love with my daughter since she was born, and she has matured a lot lately, and we take a lot of joy in spending time together. Now I'm having anticipatory grieving, as she will be moving out next week. I will miss her cheerful voice, her smile, her stealth hugs, and sense of humor. I delayed packing up the set of knives because I was used to them--attached to them--and they came to symbolize giving up my living arrangement with Pearl.
Today it felt like the right time, so I made sure her knives were all together, none dirty or left behind in the dishwasher, and packed them up. I gathered together my knives, which were scattered around the kitchen and tucked away in drawers. I have, as it turned out, an eclectic collection of at least four French knives, two serrated bread knives, two smaller serrated knives, and two paring knives, as well as an odd-sized small French knife and a tiny boning knife. One or two were from my previous marriage, some I had bought retail, and some I had found second hand. Fortunately I had a new pair of kitchen shears, from the time I left the scissors from Pearl's set in the garage and couldn't find them for weeks.
They were mostly pretty dull, as I found out. I got out my electric knife sharpener which I have never used. Actually, I had given the sharpener to Pearl and Charles for one of their anniversaries, and I also ended up with it. So I gathered knives, tomatoes, and read the directions.
I developed a system. For each knife I made a preliminary attempt at slicing a tomato, sharpened the knife, and tested the results. I have accidentally sliced my fingers so many times in the last few years that I had no intention of testing the blades with my fingers. It was very gratifying to see the improvements after sharpening. Afterwards we ate tomato sandwiches: a split whole wheat English muffin, toasted, with vegenaise and slices of tomato. Very refreshing.
Two of them were Cutco knives which I had purchased from my previous husband when he was a student trying out the "job" of selling knives to relatives and friends. Although they lack elegance and style, they keep their edge very well, and did not need much sharpening. As for the others, apparently keeping the knives on a magnetic strip as I did in the past, dulls the knives. Anyway, I picked out two of my second-hand knife blocks, washed them well, and set out the best knives in those. The rest I placed in a drawer lined with a towel.
And that has to be the most boring blog post I have ever written.
Thank you.
For the last several years I've been using the knife set Pearl received for her wedding. Even past the end of her marriage, and after moving out of the house we all shared, I ended up with this knife set, which is complete, a pretty good set, and I'm used to it. Pearl has been again sharing my current townhouse, and is getting ready to move out, and I figure the knives are hers and I should return them to her when she moves.
When Pearl first moved in I had been living alone for the last year, and I was wondering how I would deal with sharing my house. The thing about independence is having everything your own way, with your own routines and so forth. The down side, which I was accustomed to, is loneliness. However, I've really been in love with my daughter since she was born, and she has matured a lot lately, and we take a lot of joy in spending time together. Now I'm having anticipatory grieving, as she will be moving out next week. I will miss her cheerful voice, her smile, her stealth hugs, and sense of humor. I delayed packing up the set of knives because I was used to them--attached to them--and they came to symbolize giving up my living arrangement with Pearl.
Today it felt like the right time, so I made sure her knives were all together, none dirty or left behind in the dishwasher, and packed them up. I gathered together my knives, which were scattered around the kitchen and tucked away in drawers. I have, as it turned out, an eclectic collection of at least four French knives, two serrated bread knives, two smaller serrated knives, and two paring knives, as well as an odd-sized small French knife and a tiny boning knife. One or two were from my previous marriage, some I had bought retail, and some I had found second hand. Fortunately I had a new pair of kitchen shears, from the time I left the scissors from Pearl's set in the garage and couldn't find them for weeks.
They were mostly pretty dull, as I found out. I got out my electric knife sharpener which I have never used. Actually, I had given the sharpener to Pearl and Charles for one of their anniversaries, and I also ended up with it. So I gathered knives, tomatoes, and read the directions.
I developed a system. For each knife I made a preliminary attempt at slicing a tomato, sharpened the knife, and tested the results. I have accidentally sliced my fingers so many times in the last few years that I had no intention of testing the blades with my fingers. It was very gratifying to see the improvements after sharpening. Afterwards we ate tomato sandwiches: a split whole wheat English muffin, toasted, with vegenaise and slices of tomato. Very refreshing.
Two of them were Cutco knives which I had purchased from my previous husband when he was a student trying out the "job" of selling knives to relatives and friends. Although they lack elegance and style, they keep their edge very well, and did not need much sharpening. As for the others, apparently keeping the knives on a magnetic strip as I did in the past, dulls the knives. Anyway, I picked out two of my second-hand knife blocks, washed them well, and set out the best knives in those. The rest I placed in a drawer lined with a towel.
And that has to be the most boring blog post I have ever written.
Thank you.
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