[I got thrown for a minute. The format of the template for posting has changed. I was surprised.]

Hello, I'm unemployed as of yesterday morning. I'm very concerned about cash flow, i.e. paying my bills, but otherwise feeling okay. I think it's because I have been so stressed out at work, worrying about losing my job, that actually losing it is not causing me that much more stress.

As usual when this happens, I am reevaluating what I want to do next, whether I want to keep working as a nurse or find some other way to make money, or whether it's possible to do something I might actually find more self-actualizing, fulfilling, or find or create a situation where I was contributing to improving life, not just plugging leaks. A number of options come to mind, but figuring out how to draw income from them, for me, is always the catch.

The sun is shining on my day off! For now, in a way, they're all days off. In the Sunday paper from last week I found a local hike this morning at Swan Creek that I plan to participate in, as I have never been there. I always drive past on my way to somewhere else. Maybe for a few days I can stop doing that: driving past. Maybe I can take time to explore the things I want to, maybe not. From where I sit, the world seems full of people whose lives work the way they want. I wish them well. Most of the time I pour huge amounts of energy into just making it, mostly, and the rest of life passes me by. Most of the time I wait to die. Sorry, but it's true.

During my suspension from work for two days I reread journalist Roxana Saberi's book about her experiences in Evin prison in Iran on suspicion of spying, in 2009. I appreciate her courage more and more. Whenever I read a book about someone being victimized, I empathize deeply. Somehow I relate the loss of my job to either going into prison, or getting out, I'm not sure which. Work at "Mountain View" was a prison, no doubt. But being out of work is another type of prison. I'm still in debt from the last time I was out of work. The worst prison, for me, is living in a world where the bottom line is either having the cash you need to make it, or not. And where it's necessary to play a confidence game to earn that cash. I keep running out of confidence.

I had a wonderful phone call from my sister yesterday evening, speaking on a deeper level than we usually get to do. Everyone's encouragement helps me. One thing I became clearer about from our talk was that whenever I get ideas for things I could do [to earn money] that I might actually enjoy doing, I find all the faults with the idea for why it won't work, and cut it [the idea] off at the knees.

My mind is spinning in circles, but I'm spending way less time in self-recrimination this time. And that is an encouraging thought.

Thanks, everyone, for all the encouragement, listening, positive thoughts and prayers!

Till next time.