Yesterday morning I went to a licensed nurse meeting at the Weird Home Health agency, in which the participants were informed that a requirement for working there is to be on call for one week, 24/7, for the whopping sum of $100.00. Wow. Considering that they also stated the expectation of this being a second job, it's not clear how they expect this to work out with full time work.
I also listened as the nursing director reamed out everyone who had worked the recent case [which I missed] for getting things wrong on the paperwork. I surprised myself by listening to him without feeling upset or hurt. The paperwork in question is pretty rinky-dink and not very self-explanatory. My opinion that this outfit doesn't know what it is doing continues to be confirmed. So far I have not had any work from them.
In the meantime my internet connection went on the fritz for twenty-four hours, which created some stress. I went to the weekly stress management session at WorkSource early this morning, and found it very productive for everyone. Other participants are facing as much difficulty as I am if not more.
One young mom revealed that she is also caring for her mother who has Alzheimers, and is trying to "do it all." We connected in a powerful way, both in the meeting, and in the corridor afterward, as I was able to let her know about some programs such as adult daycare that she did not know about, and to give her the message that being the responsible daughter does not necessarily mean she has to meet all her mother's needs directly, herself. It can be just as responsible for her to get help from other people and agencies, especially as her mother's disease escalates.
Not only do I think she really heard me, but she really felt supported and felt I "made her day" by what I said. These type of connections, to me, are gold. She also returned the favor by reflecting the positive things she saw in me; things I usually discount, being too busy beating myself up.
One of the things we talked about in the session was setting boundaries with the people and processes that claim our attention during the job hunt. We must take some time for ourselves, some time to do whatever brings us joy. One of the male participants had attended a different job club, and heard a family member telling him, "you just need to get back to work!" As if he hasn't been working at that. I said, "next time, offer to share your bonbons with them." He laughed at that.
Feeling better about my interactions with people, and thinking that whatever I do next needs to have an element of connecting with people and making their lives better, I came home for lunch. The cable person came over and fixed the cable connection. These people are always very bright and knowledgeable.
Yesterday I had a good talk with Zia, Enayat's daughter, who has had him as a guest most of the month. He is insisting that it's time for him to come home to Washington. Although the doctors and nurses at Good Samaritan expected Enayat to worsen right away, and we envisioned this being a one-way trip for him, he apparently has been compensating for his kidney disease for a long time. Zia and I agreed that it's really time for him to pilot his own ship and take care of himself, even if we disagree with him about his prospects living on his own. So he has boarded a jet for Washington this afternoon and should be here by the evening.
Well, life is tough, and the universe is full of love.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Welcome Visitors In Hard Times
I did end up signing on with the Weird Home Health Agency, and was signed up for two shifts working with a Hospice case. As Hospice cases often go, the client expired before I had a chance to work with him/her. I had decided to divide up the days of my weeks between the on call position driving cars at the Port, and on call with Weird Home Health. I haven't been called for the driving jobs yet. I'm supposed to let them know of my availability but in the meantime have lost my courage, my state of being psychologically ready for the driving job, so I think I'll let that go for now.
Yesterday I came to a place where it was all I could do to apply for work. I went to the Stress Management class at WorkSource in the early morning yesterday, which was rewarding. Then I went to the Job Club. There were two other nurses at Job Club. One is an LPN wishing to get out of nursing entirely and go into office management-type positions. The other is both an RN and a Veterinarian, who did both in Emergency care and was burned out at both. She has an authoritarian personality and wishes to go into Administrative work in nursing. I wish them both well.
At the Job Club we were encouraged to give a One Minute talk about who we are and our qualifications for work; an "elevator talk" that might be useful in an interview or at a Job Fair. I frankly said that if I said I wanted to be a nurse, it would be a lie, and I don't have anything else figured out to do.
After that I came home, ate, and felt my confidence and mood dropping low. Finally I read a number of portions of talks by 'Abdu'l-Baha, as well as the Ridvan 2012 letter from the Universal House of Justice. Then I forced myself to apply online for three jobs I had found on the WorkSource Job Board. This is so difficult--not just because filling out online applications, especially with Taleo, is exacting, but because I don't actually wish to work as a nurse. But I have nothing else figured out that I am ready to do, and I need to apply for work.
Today I had decided to treat mainly as a day off, for doing things around the house that need doing, and so forth. But in spite of the sunshine, my mood was very low. Then there was a brisk knock at the door and two young men from the Latter Day Saints were at my door. I invited them in, but since there was no other male there, they were not allowed to enter, which left them standing. I was very welcoming, and asked them if they lived in the Stillwater Apartments where we had met some Elders coming out while we were knocking on doors there.
They had barely heard of the Baha'i Faith, and said they didn't know Baha'is "proseletyzed." I explained how Baha'is see proseletyzing, as being pushy, but that we do go to people's doors sometimes to discuss creating more spiritual neighborhoods, offer childrens' classes, and Junior Youth Empowerment programs; how I felt going to people's doors, and so forth. Which led to them asking how I found out about the Baha'i Faith.
I was able to tell my story, talk about the history of the Bab and Baha'u'llah and what They wrote, and the basics of Progressive Revelation. They offered a copy of the Book of Mormon, which I said I read and have. They wanted to know what I thought, and I said, I didn't want to hurt their feelings; they wanted to hear, anyway, and I said that my feeling was that it was just made up. But I said I thought Joseph Smith was probably influenced by the spiritual influences at the time.
They testified to their faith and asked if there was anything they could help with around the yard. I said, no, it's a rental, but I could really use prayers as I am unemployed, and having a lot of fears and challenges from that. So they offered a beautiful extemporaneous prayer, and we thanked each other effusively for the conversation, and I felt grateful for the visit.
This may honestly be the first time I've really opened my heart to religious visitors, welcomed their visit, and had a very civil, honest, and friendly conversation. I think it has to do with exercising more humility lately. I was just thinking the other day that I have been so lonely that if Jehovah's Witnesses or the like came by, I would actually welcome them to my door and be happy to talk to them.
Yesterday I came to a place where it was all I could do to apply for work. I went to the Stress Management class at WorkSource in the early morning yesterday, which was rewarding. Then I went to the Job Club. There were two other nurses at Job Club. One is an LPN wishing to get out of nursing entirely and go into office management-type positions. The other is both an RN and a Veterinarian, who did both in Emergency care and was burned out at both. She has an authoritarian personality and wishes to go into Administrative work in nursing. I wish them both well.
At the Job Club we were encouraged to give a One Minute talk about who we are and our qualifications for work; an "elevator talk" that might be useful in an interview or at a Job Fair. I frankly said that if I said I wanted to be a nurse, it would be a lie, and I don't have anything else figured out to do.
After that I came home, ate, and felt my confidence and mood dropping low. Finally I read a number of portions of talks by 'Abdu'l-Baha, as well as the Ridvan 2012 letter from the Universal House of Justice. Then I forced myself to apply online for three jobs I had found on the WorkSource Job Board. This is so difficult--not just because filling out online applications, especially with Taleo, is exacting, but because I don't actually wish to work as a nurse. But I have nothing else figured out that I am ready to do, and I need to apply for work.
Today I had decided to treat mainly as a day off, for doing things around the house that need doing, and so forth. But in spite of the sunshine, my mood was very low. Then there was a brisk knock at the door and two young men from the Latter Day Saints were at my door. I invited them in, but since there was no other male there, they were not allowed to enter, which left them standing. I was very welcoming, and asked them if they lived in the Stillwater Apartments where we had met some Elders coming out while we were knocking on doors there.
They had barely heard of the Baha'i Faith, and said they didn't know Baha'is "proseletyzed." I explained how Baha'is see proseletyzing, as being pushy, but that we do go to people's doors sometimes to discuss creating more spiritual neighborhoods, offer childrens' classes, and Junior Youth Empowerment programs; how I felt going to people's doors, and so forth. Which led to them asking how I found out about the Baha'i Faith.
I was able to tell my story, talk about the history of the Bab and Baha'u'llah and what They wrote, and the basics of Progressive Revelation. They offered a copy of the Book of Mormon, which I said I read and have. They wanted to know what I thought, and I said, I didn't want to hurt their feelings; they wanted to hear, anyway, and I said that my feeling was that it was just made up. But I said I thought Joseph Smith was probably influenced by the spiritual influences at the time.
They testified to their faith and asked if there was anything they could help with around the yard. I said, no, it's a rental, but I could really use prayers as I am unemployed, and having a lot of fears and challenges from that. So they offered a beautiful extemporaneous prayer, and we thanked each other effusively for the conversation, and I felt grateful for the visit.
This may honestly be the first time I've really opened my heart to religious visitors, welcomed their visit, and had a very civil, honest, and friendly conversation. I think it has to do with exercising more humility lately. I was just thinking the other day that I have been so lonely that if Jehovah's Witnesses or the like came by, I would actually welcome them to my door and be happy to talk to them.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Shifting Times
I had a number of things to follow up on today. One of my friends helped me hook up with an agency who sends people out, on call, to drive new cars around at the Port of Tacoma. I filled out more paperwork and took tests today, offered a specimen for drug testing, and had an interview filling me in. Kerri, the interviewer, was rather stern about making sure I was confident driving a 5-speed stick shift. It has been several years. I switched to automatics when I got tired of slipping the clutch so often in stop and go traffic, and I never looked back. So I figured the sense memory is still there, but I wasn't feeling that confident. "If they see you hesitate, they'll send you right back!"
I went to the Honda dealer, where I have bought two cars and feel confident, thinking to just do a test drive as a way to practice before I'm on call on Tuesday. A salesman was hanging around the main door as I sidled past, thinking to snoop around the used cars.
Charles H.: Hi, can I help you?
Me: Yes, well, I wanted to see if I could still drive a 5-speed transmission.
Charles: Okay, are you thinking of more of a two-door, or a four-door?
Me: Probably a four-door.
Charles: So, why do you want to go back to a stick shift?
Me: Well, to be brutally honest, I got a job at the Port of Tacoma driving cars, and although I drove stick shifts a lot in the past, I want to feel more confident when I show up. Since I don't have a lot of friends lined up that I know drive manual transmissions, that I can borrow their car for a drive, I thought I'd see if I could go on a test drive here. I've bought two cars here in the past, and I'm very happy with them . . .
So I did, I drove around a newer Honda Civic for about twenty minutes, and had more of a challenge making sure the windows stayed free of fog, than working the clutch. I'd forgotten how much work a standard transmission is, but the sense memory is still there. It only died once. So that was good.
Then I came back to the US HealthWorks and received paperwork proving that I'm still immunized from Hepatitis B, and had my PPD read, came home and phoned the "Weird Home Health Agency" to see if I was still welcome at their orientation Monday. They tried to recruit me for a night shift tonight--nothing doing.
Off to see my daughter and boyfriend and his lovely family.
I went to the Honda dealer, where I have bought two cars and feel confident, thinking to just do a test drive as a way to practice before I'm on call on Tuesday. A salesman was hanging around the main door as I sidled past, thinking to snoop around the used cars.
Charles H.: Hi, can I help you?
Me: Yes, well, I wanted to see if I could still drive a 5-speed transmission.
Charles: Okay, are you thinking of more of a two-door, or a four-door?
Me: Probably a four-door.
Charles: So, why do you want to go back to a stick shift?
Me: Well, to be brutally honest, I got a job at the Port of Tacoma driving cars, and although I drove stick shifts a lot in the past, I want to feel more confident when I show up. Since I don't have a lot of friends lined up that I know drive manual transmissions, that I can borrow their car for a drive, I thought I'd see if I could go on a test drive here. I've bought two cars here in the past, and I'm very happy with them . . .
So I did, I drove around a newer Honda Civic for about twenty minutes, and had more of a challenge making sure the windows stayed free of fog, than working the clutch. I'd forgotten how much work a standard transmission is, but the sense memory is still there. It only died once. So that was good.
Then I came back to the US HealthWorks and received paperwork proving that I'm still immunized from Hepatitis B, and had my PPD read, came home and phoned the "Weird Home Health Agency" to see if I was still welcome at their orientation Monday. They tried to recruit me for a night shift tonight--nothing doing.
Off to see my daughter and boyfriend and his lovely family.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Eagle Watching
I started early this morning to WorkSource, as they began a new "Stress Management" activity, and I went to that back to back with the Job Club. Both were rewarding. Someone mentioned walking down at Ruston Way, at the waterfront, so I decided to go there after I left WorkSource.
Ruston way was beautiful, in a subdued, rainy day sort of way. In a good mood after my dose of stress management, I thought, "why don't I play tourist and just stroll?" Then it hit me, one of the biggest factors in my resistance to exercise, and my resistance to a lot of activities in life.
Competition.
For some reason when I used to walk on Ruston Way, I felt some sort of inner competition, that I had to measure how far and how fast I walked, for it to have value. I had this unrealistic idea in my mind that I would lose weight by walking, when in reality, one merely keeps from physically deteriorating by walking. And when I view any activity as exercise, I also become self-conscious about it. Walking with anyone else, since almost everyone I know is more physically fit than I am, has an element of competition to it in my mind, regardless of how courteous or pleasant the other person/s is about the disparity in our abilities. There is no way not to feel self-conscious and embarrassed.
Going for a pleasant stroll is so much nicer.
When I returned to my car, I saw a bald eagle fly in to the area to fish. I found a park bench and watched for perhaps twenty minutes. I don't see eagles just any time. There wasn't much to see, as the eagle landed on the top of a piling and endured the harassment of first crows, then a seagull. He didn't even hunch down, as the smaller birds swooped and dove and called at him. Finally it began to rain, and I went to sit in my car.
A real downpour, listening to the rain on the roof, watching the eagle, and interior of the car fogging up. I took a call from my husband in Boston, who claims [all evidence to the contrary] that he is improving, the edema is down, he is not bothered by nausea, no, he has not been sleepy, and there is no [cough, cough] coughing. And now he believes that the property from which he was evicted in December is about to be given back to him.
The rain stopped and I drove away. Was it a coincidence that, just as I drove off, the eagle spread his great wings and headed out along the water? The rain was over. Time for both of us to go.
Ruston way was beautiful, in a subdued, rainy day sort of way. In a good mood after my dose of stress management, I thought, "why don't I play tourist and just stroll?" Then it hit me, one of the biggest factors in my resistance to exercise, and my resistance to a lot of activities in life.
Competition.
For some reason when I used to walk on Ruston Way, I felt some sort of inner competition, that I had to measure how far and how fast I walked, for it to have value. I had this unrealistic idea in my mind that I would lose weight by walking, when in reality, one merely keeps from physically deteriorating by walking. And when I view any activity as exercise, I also become self-conscious about it. Walking with anyone else, since almost everyone I know is more physically fit than I am, has an element of competition to it in my mind, regardless of how courteous or pleasant the other person/s is about the disparity in our abilities. There is no way not to feel self-conscious and embarrassed.
Going for a pleasant stroll is so much nicer.
When I returned to my car, I saw a bald eagle fly in to the area to fish. I found a park bench and watched for perhaps twenty minutes. I don't see eagles just any time. There wasn't much to see, as the eagle landed on the top of a piling and endured the harassment of first crows, then a seagull. He didn't even hunch down, as the smaller birds swooped and dove and called at him. Finally it began to rain, and I went to sit in my car.
A real downpour, listening to the rain on the roof, watching the eagle, and interior of the car fogging up. I took a call from my husband in Boston, who claims [all evidence to the contrary] that he is improving, the edema is down, he is not bothered by nausea, no, he has not been sleepy, and there is no [cough, cough] coughing. And now he believes that the property from which he was evicted in December is about to be given back to him.
The rain stopped and I drove away. Was it a coincidence that, just as I drove off, the eagle spread his great wings and headed out along the water? The rain was over. Time for both of us to go.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Coda
Enayat couldn't wait to open his gift, that he was supposed to open on the plane. "We're close enough." He very much enjoyed the Farsi book of Baha'u'llah's writings, and probably still has his nose in it.
Tears of Joy
Saturday we held the reunion of the friends and family of Enayat, in the park in Eatonville. I was so happy to see so many friends and relatives, including my daughter and her boyfriend who came from Olympia bearing delicious garlic biscuits. It was an all vegetarian potluck, delicious salad and vegetable dishes. It was as if each person brought something I might have prepared on my best day. The joy and fellowship was so encouraging.
In the evening I took a fuzzy red sock that my daughter had given me [as she wasn't wearing it] and made it into a sock puppet for a baby gift, cutting off the toe and using that to make ears, and embroidering eyes so there would be nothing for Baby to pull off and choke on.
This morning I went to a giant baby shower [for which the sock puppet was my gift] and absorbed the joy and fellowship there. Many people sent along their best wishes and prayers for Enayat and for me. It feels good to absorb all the happiness to ameliorate the sadness and concern I have been feeling. It's almost like a medicine. I never used to really open my heart up to people before.
This afternoon I paid one more visit to Enayat at the farm house in Eatonville. Zia and Neda had spent the day organizing his things and packing up for the trip to Boston that Enayat's daughters and I believe will be a one way trip, but one never knows. The plan is to fly out at 11 PM this evening; they're getting an early start.
Enayat informed me that he plans to stay for a few days in Massachusetts, then return and really "get going" on his plans to teach meditation. He looks pretty good, claiming his swelling is down; the edema is up to his thighs again, and he has been coughing. The massive doses of Lasix he had in the hospital are wearing off. I really think that Enayat's positive outlook and spiritual nature have kept him going physically, and helped him compensate for his kidney disease, longer than he might have done otherwise. [Denial pays off; who knew?]
At home this morning I found a book of Baha'i Writings in Farsi that I could part with, and wrapped it up as a gift, with instructions to open it on the plane. It went into his carry on luggage [whenever I hear the term carry on luggage, I picture a vulture with a small, dripping suitcase in its beak.]
We took photos together: Enayat and Zia and Josh and Neda and Judy and me and a friend of the family. The luggage packed up, we came downstairs, and before the ones traveling to the airport got into the car, we gathered under the porch roof, listening to the rain, and Enayat chanted a prayer for gathering; then Allahumma, then the prayer "O Lord of the Angels" all in Farsi.
The first time I heard that prayer, Enayat had come with me to the memorial service south of Spokane for my Uncle Jack, and when people were offering their memories of Uncle Jack, Enayat offered that chant, which is very beautiful. Then I heard it again back in Eatonville when we attended the funeral at a cemetery on Stringtown Road, for one of Enayat's friends, "The Bee Man", who had been murdered. I don't think that case was ever solved. Apparently the Bee Man, when he was asked about whether his honey had been pasteurized, would pick up a jar of honey, wave it in front of your face, and say, "It's been past your eyes." Anyway, seems like when Enayat and I first got together, all we did was go to funerals.
So, there we stood, listening to the rain on the roof, chanting, our eyes streaming with tears.
It was time to go.
In the evening I took a fuzzy red sock that my daughter had given me [as she wasn't wearing it] and made it into a sock puppet for a baby gift, cutting off the toe and using that to make ears, and embroidering eyes so there would be nothing for Baby to pull off and choke on.
This morning I went to a giant baby shower [for which the sock puppet was my gift] and absorbed the joy and fellowship there. Many people sent along their best wishes and prayers for Enayat and for me. It feels good to absorb all the happiness to ameliorate the sadness and concern I have been feeling. It's almost like a medicine. I never used to really open my heart up to people before.
This afternoon I paid one more visit to Enayat at the farm house in Eatonville. Zia and Neda had spent the day organizing his things and packing up for the trip to Boston that Enayat's daughters and I believe will be a one way trip, but one never knows. The plan is to fly out at 11 PM this evening; they're getting an early start.
Enayat informed me that he plans to stay for a few days in Massachusetts, then return and really "get going" on his plans to teach meditation. He looks pretty good, claiming his swelling is down; the edema is up to his thighs again, and he has been coughing. The massive doses of Lasix he had in the hospital are wearing off. I really think that Enayat's positive outlook and spiritual nature have kept him going physically, and helped him compensate for his kidney disease, longer than he might have done otherwise. [Denial pays off; who knew?]
At home this morning I found a book of Baha'i Writings in Farsi that I could part with, and wrapped it up as a gift, with instructions to open it on the plane. It went into his carry on luggage [whenever I hear the term carry on luggage, I picture a vulture with a small, dripping suitcase in its beak.]
We took photos together: Enayat and Zia and Josh and Neda and Judy and me and a friend of the family. The luggage packed up, we came downstairs, and before the ones traveling to the airport got into the car, we gathered under the porch roof, listening to the rain, and Enayat chanted a prayer for gathering; then Allahumma, then the prayer "O Lord of the Angels" all in Farsi.
The first time I heard that prayer, Enayat had come with me to the memorial service south of Spokane for my Uncle Jack, and when people were offering their memories of Uncle Jack, Enayat offered that chant, which is very beautiful. Then I heard it again back in Eatonville when we attended the funeral at a cemetery on Stringtown Road, for one of Enayat's friends, "The Bee Man", who had been murdered. I don't think that case was ever solved. Apparently the Bee Man, when he was asked about whether his honey had been pasteurized, would pick up a jar of honey, wave it in front of your face, and say, "It's been past your eyes." Anyway, seems like when Enayat and I first got together, all we did was go to funerals.
So, there we stood, listening to the rain on the roof, chanting, our eyes streaming with tears.
It was time to go.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Family Unity
Thursday I spent the evening in Eatonville at the farm house with Enayat, Zia, Josh and Neda. The farm house has been fixed up pretty well for a short stay. The plan now is for Enayat to visit Zia and Josh in Massachusetts and follow up on his health care needs while he is there. Unless he gives in and elects to have dialysis, we don't know how long he will last. Yesterday I drove him to the Post Office and he had more nausea. He also has pitting edema on his legs again.
Enayat's first wife Judy came by and saw him for the first time in many years. I think it was a good visit for both of them, and a chance to heal and to reconcile any remaining feelings after their marriage dissolution. There we were in the upstairs room where Enayat stays--the room he loves because of the windows looking out on farmlands, and all the light--Enayat, me, his daughters and son in law, and his former wife, having a wonderful visit. Neda and I sorted out photos, Judy helped with some paperwork from the hospital, and Zia combed Enayat's hair, while Enayat visited, and spoke with relatives on the phone. Judy had sent over some delicious lasagna, and downstairs we ate some wonderful watermelon.
The Friends of Enayat Reunion Potluck will be held Saturday, June 2 at 2 PM in Glacier View Park in Eatonville. Everyone is welcome who cares to come.
Enayat's first wife Judy came by and saw him for the first time in many years. I think it was a good visit for both of them, and a chance to heal and to reconcile any remaining feelings after their marriage dissolution. There we were in the upstairs room where Enayat stays--the room he loves because of the windows looking out on farmlands, and all the light--Enayat, me, his daughters and son in law, and his former wife, having a wonderful visit. Neda and I sorted out photos, Judy helped with some paperwork from the hospital, and Zia combed Enayat's hair, while Enayat visited, and spoke with relatives on the phone. Judy had sent over some delicious lasagna, and downstairs we ate some wonderful watermelon.
The Friends of Enayat Reunion Potluck will be held Saturday, June 2 at 2 PM in Glacier View Park in Eatonville. Everyone is welcome who cares to come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
