Validation

Intake at the DVR went very well last week, with a plan set to meet with a psychiatrist to assess what is going on with me. They hadn't been able to schedule me yet. This morning I received a call that there was an opening for an appointment today. Even though I wasn't sure I was ready to make my case about what I think is going on, i.e. the nature of mental defect, I met with a psychiatrist today.

I spent an hour talking a mile a minute about my life at school, what types of things threw me and what I was better at, and various jobs and what didn't work well, and the longest job I've held, and outcomes, and so forth. The "negative feedback loop" I get into when criticism causes my performance to worsen. All over the map. Able to crack him up both intentionally and unintentionally, which is always a big payoff.

The doctor said he has seen hundreds of people with Asperger's Disorder, pointed out that in the DSM-V the term "Asperger's" has been eliminated and replaced with Autism Spectrum Disorder. And that I should stop obsessing about it. It's just that I've known all my life that something is haywire, and things go wrong in my life that I have no control over, but that the symptoms are largely invisible. I'm just a screw-up, a person who doesn't care and doesn't try hard enough. So, yes, I've been desperate for validation, powered by my intense frustration at my life. So I can say, yes, this is where I am, and be able to move on from there.

Just yesterday I went to a workshop at WorkSource and afterwards explained to the presenter what I think, that I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. "I don't think you have it," he said. Which didn't hurt too much, as I would not expect him to be an expert.

In any case, the person holding my fate in his hands, the gatekeeper if I allow him to be, delivered his verdict: Anxiety Disorder, ADD, and, yes, Autism Spectrum Disorder--Mild. And wrote a prescription for a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, and will forward his findings to DVR.

It's taken several hours to decompress and for my relief to sink in. I've been feeling excess energy drain off all day. And, oddly, to begin to move on, already.