I haven't blogged lately as I have been so depressed it seemed pointless to talk about it. I actually became so deeply sad I wanted to cut off my relationships, especially with my family of origin. It makes no sense whatsoever. Part of me was suffering and the other part was watching objectively in awe of the destructiveness and stupidity of my thoughts. My thoughts sounded so ridiculously dramatic.
I'm getting better. Partly from taking more time to pray. I had gotten to an "I don't even know where to start" point with that. Partly from continuing to work. Challenging as it is, for the first time my work is sufficiently engaging and rewarding that it's actually more therapeutic to work than not to. Partly getting more sleep, communicating with family members by email instead of cutting them off, and partly because maybe a person can only stay in a certain psychological state so long.
Sometimes I'm afraid to feel better because I'll again be vulnerable to being hurt and because I'm afraid to start to hope again and then to lose my hope.
I'm thinking of using my time off to go somewhere nice, such as a beach on Vashon Island. I guess we'll see.
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Baha'u'llah talks about "the assault of the Serpent"; I think the Serpent is negative thinking, the (frightened, angry)ego. It feeds and grows, taking over the very best of ourselves, of our sweet noble attempts to have a good life. Your choices to focus on work, prayer and recreation all help temper the impulse.
And 'hope', well, without it there is no renewal, no victory. That prayer, "Refresh and gladden my spirit, purify my heart"...it stares down the serpent, the deceit, the poison.
Hang in there, I care about you!
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