I recently recognized that there is a very good chance I have Asperger's Syndrome, on the spectrum of Autistic disorders but less challenged. A good option, if you are going to be on the spectrum, for intelligent people. Which I guess I give a good imitation of intelligence. I used to go to student Counselors at PLU and they were all named Molly, and they all eventually put on a puzzled expression about why my life wasn't working and said, "Well, you're obviously bright . ." If I was dumb, my life might make more sense.
Facets of my mental operations that indicate a different wiring: social disconnect, literal thinking, vulnerability to bullying without knowing why [I thought it was red hair], ability to imitate accents [also animals, if that counts as an accent], inability to mathematically prove my mathematical solutions [it's just obvious], earning me a D+ in Plane and Solid Geometry; definitely non-kinisthetic, a little clumsy, always getting confused and tangled up in conversations [leading to endless miscommunications and misunderstandings], interrupting and blurting out my ideas the second they hit, job bouncing, gullibility, inability to think or move quickly [a real liability in entry-level work], slow-to-never learning to ride a bicycle, very slow to learn to swim, very slow learning to drive, extreme honesty, irritable and sensitive, sensitive to light and noise, early awakening.
Following a group conversation is one of my challenges, especially in a large family. For me, joining a group conversation is like jumping into the middle of a Virginia Reel dance without a partner and wondering why things did not work out so well.
It's not so easy to receive the piece of paper that says Official Diagnosis. I've been aping neurotypical behavior for fifty years.
Anyhow, I was elated to figure this out. It illuminates my life. I'm no longer stuck wondering what's going on. I can go, well, no wonder, and get on with it.
For more information, there's a wonderful book called, Asperger's From the Inside Out by Michael John Carley. Or the internet.
Epilogue: I had this incredible epiphany the other day when I was invited to join in a group of Baha'is visiting people in a neighborhood to build spiritual communities. Although everyone has apprehension meeting new people and starting conversations with them, I was always terrified beyond all reason. So I avoided it. After I realized I have AS, I realized this was why I had avoided teaching [not preaching] the Baha'i Faith. I had this mythical conversation in my head, thinking about the people who really suffer for their faith. "I don't need to go to prison or be tortured or executed for my faith. I'm just not wired that way . . . so, since I'm not wired that way, I don't actually need to teach . . ." I burst out laughing at the absurdity.
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2 comments:
Isn't it great to find a label and feel part of a collective unity with a whole bunch of people with similar predicaments! I'm part of the head-injury group, and all of my disabilities are grounded in that...and my resolve to never get too over-involved the the world of humanity - it is too dangerous and unpredictable.
And, as I age, what little I had in the way of coping mechinisms seems to be shutting down, making life at its most simple levels very enriching! Even conversations are better...that is, the ones I have with myself!
Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Bonita! I never really experienced you as a person with a disability, yet it sure is liberating to recognize, isn't it.
I appreciate your encouragement. I've had a hard time knowing what to post in the last couple of months, as most of my trials involve too many other people I don't want to expose or hurt; also I became very sensitive to some of the critical comments I received in the past. I was questioning whether to continue the blog, but I think I shall.
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