I'm dissolving into my work. I just try to do whatever I do with joy. I lost so much sleep in the last week, when I had a day off today it's taken all day to swim up from the depths. I have a lot of regrets about some of my nursing work; honest errors, or times when just one of me and a few hours were not enough. I'm not buying into the self-loathing quite so much about it. Although I have not had time to formally recite prayers from the prayer book, I'm entirely relying on God. I'm trusting that I'm being put wherever I'm wanted, and that when it's time to move on I'll be put somewhere else. That helps relieve some of my fears.
I'm looking into the astonishing concept that I'm the sole authentic judge of my own behavior. It hasn't sunk in yet.
We accomplished a lot. Monday we had four admissions between 2:30 and 6:30, and the amazing teamwork we developed between the other charge nurse and myself made it doable and bearable. In the morning yesterday I had to face the music and be accountable to one of the nurse practitioners for not phoning their group to confirm orders [I faxed, instead, which for another doctor is completely satisfactory. He trusts us.] It's tempting to say, Ok, next time I'll phone really late . . . which would be childish but satisfying.
I'm reading [very slowly] a book about joy. One of the main threads is to approach and embrace uncomfortable feelings and encounters, rather than avoiding them. I find myself sort of "witnessing" my feelings. "Oh, anxiety. Hello. Where am I feeling that? What does it feel like?" Which provides relief and gets me through it, rather than shoving it into the feeling closet to emerge later on, or never.
I have to say, even that encounter with the ARNP did not take away from my heroic feeling from accomplishing what I did the night before. And last night I was able to meaningfully connect with the POA for a 54 year old man with mets to the brain, looking for some actual care and compassion after his hospital stay. She was, of course, completely fried from their journey from the hospital out of town, and the whole transition, but when she heard I was working twelve hour days she burst into laughter. I guess she realized she wasn't the only one feeling fried.
Two days off are not enough.
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1 comment:
It's a shame you can't get one of those schedules with more days on and then four days off like some nurses I know. But the 8? or whatever days on might be intolerable. The four days off would sure help with unwinding though...Two are definitely not enough.
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