Still emotionally devastated by the circumstances surrounding my transition away from Homeland, it's time to do whatever needs to be done to heal myself and find a new income source. It's a position that's terrifying, and I'm grieving too, although over what I'm not exactly sure. I'm feeling that there's a well of grief, anger, and fear in my mind on the child level. I'm looking into the phenomenon of post-traumatic stress disorder as a possible explanation. Also I've had a sudden insight.
I attended the teaching campaign during the last two weekends, and whenever I was thinking or sharing about my relationship to children, however tangentially, I kept thinking/saying, "I don't do children." I have a spotty history of feeling traumatized and unsuccessful anytime I had the misfortune to be involved in children's classes. There is a lot of fear there. So I was also asking myself why. It popped into my head--"because I am one." For whatever reason, I realized that I have been emotionally operating on the level of a child. Hard to make good judgments, hard to make wise decisions, under that condition.
I can't fix this right away. But I have received a wonderful amount of support so far.
Also I have been able to reflect back to Miss Lisa her wonderful level of success, and many ways to be supportive of the children's classes occurred to me, which I shared with her yesterday. I have some ideas and resources which may prove helpful.
Although I look at it as the coward's role, I spent both weekends in prayer in support of the teaching. It has helped anesthetize my pain, stopped the whirling thoughts, and made me feel better. People also reported they could feel our prayers. So that has been a comfort.
As William Sears said, sometimes the best prayer is "HELP!"
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4 comments:
This is a tremendous undertaking. I deal with issues on a child level myself. The therapist I worked with for 3 years used "family systems integration" often, to help me integrate the "me" of various ages into my now-Self. Different ages of me have different reactions, depending on what the trauma was at the time. I wish you the most success in becoming whole, my dear friend.
I think you're wonderful.
Much love,
Deb
Thank you, and thank everyone who has been here for me through this most recent, traumatic challenge. Everyone's support is so amazing and so healing.
Clear the slate, and rewrite. Best wishes on the journey!
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