The Self and Others

Recently I've been experiencing a lot of fear, emotional pain and depression, sometimes feeling as if I were being consumed by self-loathing. Whenever there is self-loathing, self-hate, self-love or whatever, it seems that the most important word is "self." Something the Baha'i Writings describes as "the fire of self." I've been in a tug of war with myself on a lot of issues. I felt trapped. Last night I finally decided to stipulate that everything negative I had thought, observed, or been told about myself [negative self-talk and criticism and the like] might possibly be true.

Immediately I had a sense of relief, as if I had surrendered, let go of the rope, and the tug of war was over. Sort of an acceptance of where and how I am.

Tonight, for the first time since initially forming our Puyallup Baha'i group, we actually met together for our own Feast. It was lovely. I found we could each talk with complete honesty about what struggles we have been going through, our own philosophies, strengths and limitations regarding teaching the Faith, and we worked to come up with a general plan for how we can grow from a group to an Assembly of 9 people.

We decided to meet together more often, not necessarily for a Feast or Holy Day, but just to meet; to pray more; to teach the Baha'i Faith in Puyallup in ways that work for us, our experiences, and the ways we are "wired", and not to experience or apply any pressure in our teaching work. And to trust that sooner or later, enough other Baha'is will gather in Puyallup that the energy and ability to grow faster will be there.

I left very happy, and looking forward to Baha'i New Year.