How Not to Make a Decision

There is an art which needs to be learned by both my husband and myself: the Baha'i art of consultation. From the clash of differing opinions comes the spark of truth. For this to work requires detachment. When I was a new Baha'i I was confused by the word "detachment", thinking it means to stop caring about things. I think the point is to be able to let go of ones opinions, to let go of emotional attachment to the outcome. In group consultation, participants take turns stating their point of view and then letting go of it. I visualize this as a circle of people with a big basket in the center, where each person's thoughts and statements are lovingly placed and then let go of. Holding onto a "position" is not a part of consultation.

Once the person puts in their thoughts, the idea belongs to the group, not the individual. This takes a lot of trust. Eventually something new, a new truth or concept or idea takes shape; maybe it rises like a snake from the basket of a snake charmer. Usually participants who are truly detached will recognize this new truth; there is a general feeling of "Aha!" A good technique for taking turns in speaking is the talking stick, which helps people such as myself who are inveterate interrupters.

One of us is a Scorpio, an aficionado of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Something I have never read, and haven't intended to. Perhaps I should. It would be a road map into the other contestant's thought processes, so maybe it would be easier to stop getting railroaded. Or maybe it would just make me mad. I'd like to see the man behind the curtain. I don't think my husband gets detachment.

I know I don't. I grew up in a household with clear rules from the adults: I win, you lose. I have never learned the art of negotiation. I have never learned to stand up for my thoughts and ideals. When I was seventeen and a newly minted Baha'i, I mentioned the Faith to a couple of Christian co-workers. Ooh, lamb to the slaughter. They knew all kinds of reasons I was going to hell, and all kinds of literal-minded interpretations of prophecy that I was unprepared to respond to. In the language of chat rooms, I was flamed. I never taught the Faith again, at least on purpose.

In a discussion which becomes an argument, I just dig in and get frustrated and angry. I've found, by listening to myself with disbelief, that when the chips are down I resort to ad hominum* attacks. I also get frustrated because it doesn't seem fair that wearing people down by persistence is a way to win. It does not demonstrate the truth of your position. You win by psychologically grating on the other person's nerves, like a glacier, until they finally give in so you will shut up. In my previous marriage I also played unfair by just sneakily making a decision without consulting the other person. I don't like the feeling of having to ask permission.

In nursing I'm like, take the pill or don't, I don't care.

The issue? Where to stay in Haifa from a preselected list of hotels and guest houses. The issue is to stay somewhere comfortable and convenient, without paying too much. [We can't agree on how much is too much.] I'm rooting for greater comfort and convenience, he's rooting for paying less. He won the discussion of whether, when and how long to visit Tel Aviv/the Rest Of Israel, on the basis of "once you're there, you ought to see Israel." Why does the same argument not work regarding, "once you're there, you should be able to look out the window and see the view of the shrines, the terraces on Mount Carmel, and the Mediterranean Sea, and not have to rustle up and cook breakfast"? To me it feels, once again, like I Win You Lose.

Stalemate. My last card is that it was my pilgrimage to start with and I included him as my spouse. More power struggle, more combat . . . obviously, it's worth it to me to spend $20 more per night for some amenities. The obvious question: who's paying for it? Too complicated to explain in the context of the blog.

Another solution is to set a time limit: if the Guest House does not contact me by email [they did not want to talk long on the phone; limited English skills, boy, these Israeli's] by a certain time, I will make reservations on the phone. I emailed them Saturday evening and no response by Monday morning. It's a nonprofit organization. Need I say more?

*When I get ahold of a dictionary I will learn to spell "hominem." Or maybe the computer has never heard of it.