Solitude Versus Alienation

Direct teaching two weeks ago to people I haven't met before stretched me so far out of my comfort zone, my subsequent severe cold seemed doubly intense with the reaction of alienation from people, and my need for solitude. I actually felt emotionally cold inside. I not only needed to be alone, I didn't feel emotionally connected to the world.

Over the last decades I've come to accept that I seem to be wired as a loner. I like to come out of the cave and play, meeting others and socializing as long as I feel comfortable, and it recharges me. But at some point I really need to recharge by being alone. As a child I think this need for solitude got all mixed up with my deplorable social skills and the alienation I endured in the presence of other children. So every time I needed solitude I thought I had to hate the world at the same time.

Last week I kept peering into these cold, dark depths, meditating on whether I am truly meant to be a loner to some degree, or whether a truly spiritual being would tolerate constant socialization. Sometimes I really feel cut off, angry and sad. I think those feelings are just related to the stress that I feel in my life and work lately.

Pearl and I just watched "Frost And Nixon." I grew up absolutely loathing Nixon and all the corruption and abuse of power he seemed to stand for. Hearing his resignation speech brought me back to my mother's kitchen. At the end of the film, Nixon asks Frost about all the parties and events he attends, and whether Frost enjoys being with people? Nixon indicates that he himself does not. I felt a weird sort of kinship with that revelation, and almost forgave Tricky Dick. Almost.