Connections

Yesterday, Monday, I went to Modules 2 and 3 at the WorkSource office, on transferable Skills and Abilities, and Job Search Strategies. Since yesterday was a delightful, sunny day, with lots of sunshine following [and no doubt preceding] lots of rainy days, attendance was skimpy, so there were only one or two other participants. At one point I stood up to attempt a "60-Second Commercial" introducing myself and began talking about what I loved about Nursing: how I love to hear, "you are my favorite nurse"* and how I loved making a difference in people's lives . . . and had to stop because I choked up. And then the tears came. The instructor said, "I can't imagine why you want to leave this profession, when you feel this way!" I blurted out, "because they [bosses] treat us like machines, and I'm sick of it!"  

It was good to make that heart connection again, and remember what fires me to want to help and connect with people. I have a lot to think about, as I try to transition into something psychologically and professionally safer. In the meantime, I mailed a neat application, a new resume and a cover letter to the Classy Skilled Nursing Facility on Friday. I'm always in this Catch 22 trap: I'm a f***-up in a challenging position which is classified as In Demand, so I'm continually under stress, continually failing in some way, but unable to draw an income any other way so I can change gears and turn the corner to get out. And there's little support from the State for making a transition, so I fall through the cracks.

*Even though the cynical part of me realizes that people are often being manipulative when they say I'm their favorite nurse, it still feels good to hear it.

I play "Yes, but" a lot when people say, "oh, you should try this" or "have you thought of that?" Part of feeling stuck is that I've pondered a lot of options, but always found some reasons, usually aspects of my brain wiring or personality, why they wouldn't work. This last two weeks I've heard a lot of suggestions for options I've already tried, such as home health.

I'm terrible at making connections, networking, collecting people for references. I'm so pitiful at the latter that my only two good solid references date back to two lovely nurses I worked with at Gentiva, and have such a hard time keeping track of them that I call them whenever I lose a job, just to make sure they're still alive and have the same phone number. I'm also not very enterprising, which limits what I can do with the arts in terms of supporting myself.

What has really amazed me lately is how that brazen little voice in my head is becoming more distinctive, coming out of the woodwork like the worms which crawl out of the soil when the hobbits are hiding from the Nazgul. That snide but effective little voice saying, "you're nothing, you're worthless, and you'll never do anything right."